I am about 22 stops past limp biscuit now

In fact, I feel a bit terrified.
I guess Dad's death took a lot out of me.
I've been saying the serenity prayer over and over again, which is my standard prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
I also took two lorazepam at 9:15 or so and I just calculated that it been five hours since then so I took another two. Wrong, only 2 hours. Anna says I should be napping shortly.
I felt no fear zip lining or rappelling down 200' last year with George. I felt no fear snorkeling two days after I'd been stung by the second-worst jellyfish in the world. I do feel afraid on the slopes the fist few times down the mountain, but I was never afraid when I broke my leg skiing.
For some reason I am choosing to feel terrified. I don't know why I want to be terrified or why I am choosing it, but I am. Admitting that it is my choice, is giving me a little bit of relief from it. I am taking ownership of the terror, which I guess gives me a little bit of power over it. I can't just tell it to go away. But I don't have to fight it either. By acknowledging that I am choosing the fear, I take responsibility for it, allowing it to leave.
I've tried to share this thinking with many friends over the years, but seem unable to explain it correctly.
I made up this technique over 30 years ago. In NYC, I played paddleball, a street game. Whoever won the game kept the court and took on the next challenger(s). At fairly regular intervals I would argue with my opponents. Screaming in your face, against garbagmen, ex-cons, whomever. Not a healthy way to keep my teeth. So instead of arguing with them I started talking to myself saying: for some reason I want to kill him; I am so fucking angry and don't know why I want to be; for some reason I just want to wring his neck; etc. til the rage passed. I got 99.9% or so of my rage out of me.
I couldn't talk myself into choosing another emotion. I had to accept responsibility for it and let it out.
The terror has subsided, for now. I can feel a little calm poking its nose out.