I Made Them Do It

Look at my reconstructed breasts.
I don't know why I wanted my Friday bridge group to see them. I tried to get them to look last Friday, but they refused, as we were sitting at the dining table at the Hyannis Yacht Club when I offered.
They, my breasts, are amazing (as are my friends), sealed underneath that square of saran wrap, which has been covering and supporting them for a month, tomorrow.
Hopefully that saran wrap type stuff will come off Thursday. And I hope that it has done a lot to shove much of my boob into my armpit. If not, I may have to ask for a redo. God no, I would never do that again. But I will be able to have some fat lyposuctioned out of me somewhere and injected into the depressions where the drains were. And apparently Medicare will also pay for new nipples.
Becky and I talked about losing our breasts. She's four years out from her double mastectomy and chose no reconstruction. Eventually she found that she felt more comfortable wearing a slightly padded bra, just to look and feel a little less different from her old self. She's an amazing writer and did a piece about her feelings after her surgery. I remember a description of her swimming, with the different feeling of the displacement of water.
I'm not sure she does it so much now, but Becky did touch her chest a lot at the beginning. I find I am constantly doing the same.
Hers was a major loss and void. Mine, on the other hand, though sort of a loss, it's actually a major improvement. I can now actually pass the pencil test. These new breasts feel about the same size and weight as my old ones, so there is no empty space. I feel feminine and sexy.
After I pulled my shirt back down and everyone had exclaimed over my new breasts, Maureen invited me into another room to see her trompe l'oeil nipple. It really is amazing, the same color and size as her natural one. She often forgets that she has one reconstructed breast and has to think a moment about which one it is.
During bridge, Maureen got a call that  there is something happening in her natural breast that the radiologist wants to examine further. She has to return for additional mammograms.
Oh God!
The dread of what is to come can be overwhelming.
I met with all of the doctors on my team last week and got a feeling for what is to come.
On April 10, I will begin a new round of chemotherapy, AC, four doses every other week. I filled prescriptions for 3 antinausea medications. Writing this is making me quite anxious.
A month or so off and then six weeks of radiation every day.
Then a year of Herceptin infusions, every other week or so, I think. At some point I'm going to have to give myself injections, when I cannot recall.
Maureen and I will be there for each other.